In my second post, I said I’d explain the reasons for the title of this blog – https://burnslikewhiskey.com/wp/2021/08/21/about-the-title/
I think it’s time to explain a reason (remember, I chose it for multiple reasons, so this is the start of the series).
After the memorial and everyone went back to their lives, I had a lot of alone time; and in the intense grip of widow’s fog, my brain searched for distractions. And so late at night I started browsing YouTube, looking for music videos of songs I loved and just trying to drown out the memories and sorrow. The problem was I kept gravitating to songs that reminded me of my late husband – songs that we loved and listened to together. It didn’t distract, however YouTube’s algorithm did point me to this song –
Now let me tell you, I had no idea who Gary Allan was – I doubt I’d ever heard this song before, but was aware of it culturally (cuz the song and album were a huge hit in the late 90’s). I selected it and was graced with the lyrics that would come to describe the depths of my grieving:
The loneliness within me
Takes a heavy toll
‘Cause it burns as slow as whiskey
Through an empty achin’ soul
And the night is like a dagger
Long and cold and sharp
As I sit here on the front steps
Blowin’ smoke rings in the dark
The song is about a relationship gone bad, a breakup, maybe even divorce, but that one verse described what I felt in the pit of my soul after losing my husband. As you can tell, it became a salve to my pain. That one song, with it’s aching melody, became a comfort. Soon it was lodged in my mind, an earworm, and with it, the beginnings of the title to this blog. Obviously I didn’t quote the lyric faithfully, but the point is made; whiskey burns, and so does this emptiness inside me.
The title aside, what really grabbed me is the second half of that verse: “And the night is like a dagger, long and cold and sharp”. That’s what stood out to me first – since it was late at night when I found that song, and it seemed to pinpoint directly my feelings. Nighttime was special for us, after the work of day was done and all errands were run, the night was playtime for my husband and I. We watched TV, listened to music, talked about everything and nothing, in short, it was our bonding time. Finding myself all alone at night with no one to share it with, truly felt like a dagger, cleaving me in two.
But if you think this song is finished portraying human experience, you’re going to find yourself mistaken, because in the chorus contains a lyric crucible:
I know I must be going
Cause love’s already gone
And all I’m taking with me are the pieces of my heart
And all I’ll leave are smoke rings in the dark
Right there, in that chorus, contain the instructions to leave this long, dark highway of loss – “I know I must be going, cause love’s already gone”. Indeed, dear songwriter, love is gone, and all I’m left with are the pieces of my heart.
I realize I am not the only person to experience the loss of a spouse, I was not the first, and I won’t be the last, but humans have a great capacity to communicate and express our emotions in a way that all can understand, and this song is an example of that. Adding music to those lyrics just empowers it to become something more, something that inspires. Something like the title to this humble little blog in digital sea.