It’s cliche and trite, but the 2nd year of a child’s life is usually referred to as the “terrible 2’s” – it’s the developmental stage where toddlers are starting to explore their environment and encounter challenges that they are not developed enough yet to process, this results in tantrums, mood swings, and defiance. All of that is normal, but it has me thinking about “The Terrible Two’s” of Grief.
I’m about to hit the 2nd year Anniversary of my husband’s death, and I’ve felt that this year was harder than the first. Last year, I was still mired in widow’s fog, and stumbling my way through the grief. However on the heels of the “terrible two” anniversary, I can say that the fog has lifted and it did sometime around the beginning of this year. When I realized that the fog was lifting, I also noticed that the pain of his loss sharper than I’d ever felt. The full weight of my husband being dead descended on my shoulders, and without the fog, that numb, distant feeling also started to evaporate. When I think about those first few months after his passing, I remember it feeling dreamlike; like I wasn’t quite in touch with reality, just watching life move all around me and I wasn’t participating. I have memories of those first few months, but they are a haze, an unclear visage in my mind, and I, apathetic and mute, barely able to comprehend. I have no idea how I made it through – well I do, but it wasn’t me, it is my belief that I was directed by God’s supernatural force, not my own accord.
Sorry about that tangent, but I felt it necessary to highlight the different stages I’ve experienced. So let’s talk about this current stage and why I feel it’s the terrible 2’s of grief stage. I assume you can all see where I’m going with this – but it’s not the same symptoms as a toddler, but the explanation is the same – I was not developed or prepared for the challenges and encounters/experiences that came with my journey back to reality.
**Now I know that grief is an individual process and I do not think anyone reading this has had the same experiences I had – however I started this blog as a support tool, not a guideline or how-to guide – and I didn’t start it for just anyone reading, it’s for me as well, to document this season and express myself – my own brand of therapy if you will.
Life is a journey, and whether we like it or not, we will encounter the deepest of depths as well and the highest peaks. There are only brief periods of level ground that we get to stride on – and in my opinion, those are the times to hold on to in either the highs or lows. And when the fog dissipated, and I began to experience life again, it was brutal. I felt everything fully, the grief, the anxiety, the stress, but also the love of friends and family, the joy of accomplishment, and the frustration of failure. My coping mechanisms and my shock which had held me, shielded me subsided.
Rent? Insurance? Work? Car problems? Obligations abound and I was finally of sound mind to to tackle but my emotional state? Hell no. I was unable to keep my emotions in check, and I felt frazzled and alone. Maybe I’d finally have reached the anger stage or grief or maybe, I was experiencing the terrible twos of grief. Quite frankly, I had to relearn how to do so many things in my life, I felt as if I were a child. And just like the 2 year old child, I didn’t have the tools to I needed. It is up to a parent to teach their child how to handle life situations and grow out of that stage. Fortunately, I was an adult and I already knew what was needed to get me through this terrible phase – but it wasn’t without my own tantrums and defiant opposition. I am re-learning everything I thought I knew and I have been given a chance to make the changes during that reeducation.
It is painful, in so many way’s, but there is no fighting it. And just like the toddler who is focused on the thing that it thinks will help ease the frustration, I think I will just have that cookie right now, as I’m still growing up in the wake of this devastating loss.