Today is 2 years since my husband passed.
2 years since I heard him call my name.
2 years since I felt his warmth as he embraced me.
2 years since we snuggled on the couch and talked.
2 years since his lips and mine touched.
2 years since I felt at peace and we laughed together.
2 years of an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that doesn’t go away.
As this anniversary began to dawn on me, I began looking for the right words to describe what 2 years is like.
Since the night he passed, I have had an opening line run through my head that I can never finish because no words seem to describe the depth of sorrow and also the depth of love that I felt for him.
As a Christian, I’ve been told over and over that grief is a spirit and that I shouldn’t encourage it. For two years I have tried to chase it away, but the reality is that I never invited it in and I never wanted to engage with it. The truth is, it’s not the spirit I wrestle with, it’s my own self. I have written many posts here about the effects that I have experienced, and all those are symptoms of the vacuum left by the man I loved – forever gone from this plane of existence. I’ve tried to fill it with The Word of God and through many family/friend relationships. None of those seem to close the gaping wound left in my soul. I’ve spent most of these 2 years, trying to rebuild a sense of myself, but I inevitably find it lacking, because he was a part of me. A part that I cannot reach out and touch or converse with- and the one person I want to talk to about this is not here. He has been transported to the everlasting, with the rest of fallen family members and others. There is a wall of separation between me and the man I promised my life to and was bonded to. That will not change until I am called to join my Creator.
I have questions that I don’t have answers for and when I do receive those answers, it won’t matter.
So I mark this date as Year number 2.
That opening line I spoke of earlier is “What does it feel like to lose your spouse”? I still can’t answer that question. No words exist for me to describe this seemingly never ending nightmare. I am awake and the nightmare continues. Maybe one day I will have the words to answer that line, maybe not. Maybe it’s still to raw to even consider answering that question. If I find the right words, I will type them here. Until then, I will continue to blog as this journey proceeds. Fumbling for the closure and the peace that has evaded me.
I do not wish to depress you, it hasn’t all been bad. I have found some wonderful people who have not abandoned me and I serve a God that has seen to it that I am taken care of. Much of that is a different blog post entirely and will be written about.
For now, I continue to find my best outlet in music that amplifies my emotional state and it’s also why I will probably continue to post songs in blog posts. Like this song – I stumbled across it by accident and found that sound was haunting and the chorus and some of the lyrics are a mirror to my inner sorrow.
Lay me down in a wake of flowers
There’s a place that waits for me
On the other side I will be free
The Rolling Stones and wild horses
Play on repeat all day
Here I found the place I’ll always stayStill in my mind
I see us dancing cheek to cheek
Those days were sweet as wine
I recall them every week
Once I called you mine
You had my heart and mind
Now I find myself alone again
A regular lost at the Harpoon
Until we meet again my love, I will continue to remember what it was like to hold you close, to feel your warm breath on my face and neck and listen to the beating of your heart in sync with mine.