Today should be my 11th anniversary..but I don’t even know if that exists now that Mark has passed. This was another quiet day of reflection, like the last 3 anniversaries..
The torrent of grief lessens the further I get away from that day in July of 2020..and in it’s wake is an empty space that I find I have to fill or the emptiness will engulf me completely. I have tried to fill it with both the good and bad things this life has to offer. Late nights with an endless refill of wine and the music we used to listen set at a volume to drown out the sadness that never seems to leave my mind. Sitting in complete silence & darkness in the house as I collapse into sobs again because I feel like a ghost in my own life. Going out for a walk in the middle of night, just to leave a house with memories that get too intense to endure. Pages and pages written with a cramped hand as I try to pour out this incomprehensible chaos that lives within me 24/7.
As anyone who has experienced it, Grief is very unique to each person, and some experiences will overlap – so I share this knowing that it may or may not be helpful – and in that I say, this will be the last time I mark the calendar of this anniversary. I have come to the place where the past must be properly stored or progress is unattainable for me. And just like I had to box up his personal belongings, now I will have to box up the personal memories of a marriage that was extremely fulfilling and loving.
And I leave you with some song lyrics that really hit home to me right now:
Broken, BrokenShe will never the sameBroken, BrokenShe will never be the sameOoh, ooh, ooh She keeps repeating to meWhy it hapenned to herWhat did I do that was wrong?So look at me and tell mePlease don’t try to save me
I’m so very proud of you my grasshopper (student lol) ????????????????