https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/expel
To expel is to drive out
And so dear reader, this post is brought to you by the driving out of demons, specifically those demonic spirits that accompany grief and loss..they hang around and bring their unwanted friends, like guilt and shame and blame. Those little bastards like to position themselves in the corners of your mind, building a cozy nest of bitterness and shadowing your every thought with their wretched presence, haunting, devouring, and finally engulfing you…well that’s what they did to me. Everyone’s experience of grief is unique.
Before we delve deeper into those rather pointed areas..Let me tell you a little story about my past, and specifically about a near death experience: In 2005, after a very contentious breakup of a long term relationship (6 years), my sister invited me to spend a week with her in LA. I knew that the distance from the familiar would surely help disentangle some of the very intense feelings I was experiencing, and so I hopped a Greyhound bus and off to Cali I went. Around the 4th day of my visit, we made a trip to Laguna Beach, and being a Southwest girl with very little “beach” experience, I ran the into the waves and positively lost myself to the experience, except that experience was on a windy day and the waves were choppy and before I knew it, I was pulled under by one. Needless to say I felt myself going under and the next thing I remember is swimming intently into the brightest and warmest light I had ever experienced..and then woke up on a gurney surrounded by some very large firemen trying to gauge whether I was cognizant – to their dismay, I wasn’t. I was in fact, indignant, because I wanted to reach that golden warm light that had beckoned to me. I fought the fireman and then I remember the sting of the needle as it was plunged into my shoulder, and then blackness. The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital next to a sister who was near hysterical and blaming herself. Which reminds me, I need to tell her it was I who ran into those choppy waters, it was my excitement and desire to lose myself in a moment to forget about the death of a 6 year relationship. Not her.
I recounted that story to you because I was reminded of it by a song, well, specifically an album. The Heroin Diaries by Sixx:AM. The album that was paired with Nikki Sixx’s book about his near death experience and battle with heroin addiction. I absolutely loved that album and in Apple Music’s brilliant algorithm, it decided to recommend it to me..and it surfaced some very painful memories. And if life can’t get more absurd in it’s own ridiculous & humorous ways..I am in the middle of dealing with some family medical crises.
Let’s all give it up to the universe’s twisted sense of humor… Not.
No, let’s get to the root of this post’s inspiration, Dead Man’s Ballet by Six:AM – please take the time to listen to it.
The chorus that dredged up these demons that need to be expelled is thusly:
You can lead him to the ambulance
But you cannot make him live No, you cannot make me live! You can lead him to the ambulance Lead me home! But you cannot make him live
I first heard this chorus when the album was released – in 2007 – and still so near to my own near death experience, I immediately understood the implication – “You cannot make him live”..it so closely mirrored my experience..I did not want to be pulled away from that gleaming, golden warmth, the closest I had ever felt to a physical experience of God Almighty..and I fought those large men who were trying to save me..I didn’t want to be saved. YOU CANNOT MAKE ME LIVE! I had wanted to swim or float directly into that golden warmth, I had wanted to be one with my Maker. Alas, my Maker had other plans obviously.. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
However it have almost been 20 years since that pivotal day in 2005.. and I have gathered innumerable life experiences since then..and the most painful of all .. the loss of the spouse. So 2 weeks ago, when I pressed play on “The Heroin Diaries” album, I expected memory and instead was bashed by a recent hard truth.. I could not make my husband live.
That thought sat in my mind for too long..it festered, it wallowed, it burned and finally it sat down with me and introduced itself to me as an important truth I needed to gain wisdom from. It also unlocked a string of other memories, all the times I had sat at the bedside of a family member and watched them pass..peacefully. And all those memories of death were expected, were family members of an advanced age and after a long battle of illness or poor health. My husband was the surprise, the others were just a matter of time. I had no expectation of those family members needing me or someone else to “Make Them Live“.
For all the times I have let the tears falls over my lost husband, I had forgotten that in my darkest hour, I didn’t want anyone to “Make Me Live” – and somewhere in that realization, in that dark truth I didn’t want to face, but finally had to see for myself, I came face to face with those damned little demons and the nests they had built into the darkened corners of my mind – preying on me. Their efforts slicing at me, small cuts, little injuries, but done consistently, so that I was accustomed to the bleeding, the sharpened pain and the near constant reminders – all to weaken me, and finally to overtake me.
However, dear reader, I have only posted part of the song, “Dead Man’s Ballet” – there is more that contain these lyrics:
Don’t abandon me now
I don’t want to die Alone
They seem to be conflicting sentiments in one song, but that’s not novel in songwriting, it seems to be part of the human condition, wanting completely different things at the same time and it is probably why we as a species are so maddeningly difficult to understand or deal with. And none of this will ever answer the question I have on my lips ever day since that day in July of 2020 – but it helps me to remember my own brush with death’s door and it could have gone much differently…much much differently.
Which leads me back to the beginning, which is it is finally time to expel those demons for good. I have let them remain for far too long and I have learned since passing into the acceptance phase of Grief and Loss, that even reaching this phase doesn’t solve my issues, it just allowed me the mental and emotional clarity to finally start processing the anguish and addressing the after effects.
DON’T ABANDON ME NOW, I DON’T WANT TO DIE.
Amazing blog post my dear friend!!!! I love you ????