Today was a small anniversary..small because it isn’t an engagement or wedding anniversary. No, but it’s still powerful in my mind, because of the nature of mine and my late husband’s relationship. You see, today was the 11th anniversary of the first time he proposed to me..and then took it back the next day. A few years ago, this would be a fun anniversary to bring up and we’d laugh about it and then he’d tease me about me never leaving. Now it’s another reminder of what was lost.
You’re probably still stuck at the line “first time he proposed”, and yeah it was the first. There were several proposals, 4 actually – 2 that were hastily taken back the next day after the alcohol wore off and 1 that was me telling him to fuck off. The fourth was real and sealed the deal. To give you the summarized story, my late husband was divorced, and I don’t have to explain the details, most everyone can understand the confusion and complications that to a man who was firmly a “only going to get married once” type.
So I spent today in a weird trance, on autopilot really. It was like being locked in widow’s fog again. It’s hard to explain to those who’ve never lost a spouse, because you feel lost in time and distant from reality. It feels like you’re stuck in a different dimension or reality and you can interact with this world, but you’re almost afraid to reach out and disturb anything..fearing more changes could happen, and you don’t know if you can handle that much change.
Unfortunately, when my Calendar app popped up today and gave me that notification, and I got another one from Facebook memories..well it sent me into that autopilot. I’m not sure how to get out of that autopilot mode yet, other than just crawl into bed and pray for a new day without those reminders that seem to draw me into an emotional blackhole. And so, I’m here typing this out and hoping it will help snap me out of it. Maybe I’m expecting too much of myself this early, but I don’t know how to navigate any of this, and everyone’s grieving experience is different.
All I know is that I have over a decade of memories to process, and the reminders and anniversaries will keep coming at me.