I haven’t posted in a long time. I meant too. I meant to do this almost daily, however my motivation seems to come and go at times. It’s good reminder of how loss of a loved one can turn into multiple losses. Loss of self, loss of motivation, loss of joy, loss of dreams, loss of schedule, loss of *fill in the blank.
There are some good resources for grief online, but you must seek them out, and I have been. There’s a lot of discussion about taking one step at a time and going at your own pace, and I absolutely believe that is true – but – I feel I have really lost a part of myself. The ambitious, go getter attitude I used to have, a trait that my late husband both loved and hated at the same time about me, has ceased to be. I notice it when I’m trying to be productive and I need to take care of a to do list. With it, my motivation comes and goes as it pleases and I’m apt to procrastinate more and more. I’ve read enough to know that all of this is to be expected, and that for the most part, I will never be the same. That thought terrifies me. I’m no spring chicken here, but not necessarily considered old, I just recently hit my “middle age”, much too young to be a widow, much too old to have to rebuild myself again. I do find myself relying on my faith more and more, which is a very good thing. What “I” was 15 months ago, is in retreat, and what is left is held together by bubblegum, twine, and faith.
No one is ever prepared for the loss of their spouse, but I don’t think anyone is prepared for the rest of losses that follow in the wake of the original. Grief is described as moving in waves, and I understood that after experiencing it, but loss is like a line of domino’s falling, one barreling into another until nothing is left standing.
I’ve picked up a devotional about losing a spouse and I’m hoping to incorporate it into the blog, and maybe, just maybe, spark some of the “old me” back into life, cuz I’m not interested in losing anything else.