Well friends, it seems I’ve been negligent with my posting duties here, but in reality, life throws lots of curveballs at us and sometimes things fall through the cracks.
But this is as good of a time as any, so as always, Happy New Year to all my readers (are there any out there?).
However, a new date on the calendar doesn’t solve our problems or issues. Symbolically, we use it as a way to encourage ourselves to do better, and be better – but that shouldn’t be the inspiration, true change is birthed in our heart. So I tell you dear readers, I hope that true change is brewing in your heart and not the changing of the date.
For me, change has been a bad word. I spent most of the last 2 years dreading that change, fighting that change or just cursing it. Change, for what it’s worth, ignored my complaining and my pleading, and something surprising happened this year; I started to welcome it, even actively pursuing it. It is the nature of such things, I suppose. Grieving for a long period of time isn’t healthy and I sensed the changes happening in me and how I experience grief. Oh I’m not “over it” as we like to say, but I am progressing. The engulfing sadness doesn’t linger too long anymore. No, it’s more like small moments where I crave my love and I am desperate to converse with him, like we did with everything. I experience events that I know the only person I could ever possibly discuss it with, is no longer next to me. Our conversations used to seem never ending, always moving, ever changing with the topics that flowed and events that happened – and then there was the playful and the humorously sarcastic banter – an intellectual bond of give and take.
As the changes to my emotional state continue, I yearn for his mind, that quick wit and dry humor. I also yearn to sit down and tell him I understand him, more so now than I did when he was still here within my grasp. When that thought first ran through my mind, I recoiled from it, how could I even conceive of that? I’m admitting that I didn’t understand him fully – but slowly as that thought began to unfold in my mind, I realized that after taking on his duties and tasks along with the ones I had always done, it is a new understanding. Maybe it’s a new realization, maybe I’m just finally coming to grips with things that my mind couldn’t possibly conceive in the depths of grief. Whatever it is, this realization just deepens my desire to once again sit down and talk to my husband like we did, daily.
If I had the chance, I would thank him. I want to thank him for everything he did for me. All the effort he put in, and to thank him for shouldering the weight as well as he did, because honestly, I get it now. I do, Dear, I understand now – I just wish you were here for me to tell you. If ever I was ungrateful, I am sorry. And finally, I do want to tell you, I’m so proud of you and I always believed in you (but you already knew that). I am proud to have been your wife.
It is crushing to think I will be entering another year without you. Year number 3.
I discovered a song this past year that seems to sum up a great deal of my emotions, but these verses particularly:
Who do I talk to when I wanna talk to you?
Never againNever againWill I look into the only eyes that knew meFeels like a bullet running through meNever againNever againWill I look into the only eyes that knew me
Then my dear friends, there is the chorus:
You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to loseI thought I’d have you for a lifetime
Quite frankly, I think the band was channeling my thoughts and emotions for this song, but it just shows that we will all have to weather this terrible happening, we will all lose someone incredibly special and important. Somewhere in that, small as it might be, there is relief, a relief that even though it feels that way, we are not alone in this darkness, and more importantly there is a beacon ahead for us.
The song for anyone who is interested –
Three Days Grace – Lifetime
Happy New Year.